Finally Done

Something glitters in the drawer in front of me.  I know what it is, I know why it's there.  More importantly, I know what I want to do with it.  Slowly, I reach my hand in and take the glittering steel blade.  It feels almost too heavy, but it won't soon.  Something tells me I should put it back.  I've got too much that I need to be doing.  Something else tells me it's time to make my mind up.  Be final.  I've had this argument with myself for years, but I've always put the item back.  Not today.  I take the blade and sit down carefully.  I don't want to slip.  I want to do this right.  I don't know why, but I begin to pray.  I used to be a believer, I had faith once.  I know I won't get an answer.  I never did.  Not even when I desperately needed one, all I got in return for my tears was silence and distant ignorant apathy.  I'm done.  The blade opens my skin.  It hurts and I cry out, but I have to be quiet.  If someone finds me before I'm done, I'll be forced to stay.  Blood runs down the wound and begins to pool under my legs.  I keep going.  The first cut is done and I can feel my fingers going numb.  My tears drop into the cut and it stings even more so I put my head back and retrace the line up my arm with the blade.  I have to cut deeper.  The pain isn't so much now.  I think the worst of it is over.  The blood is pouring out now.  I've done enough.  I put the blade down and sit back to wait.  I know it won't be long.  I feel cold and my head spins, so I shut my eyes.  My heart slows and I feel heavy.  It's like I'm falling asleep.  Everything is quiet and dark now and I know that's how it will stay.  There's no heaven waiting for me, no loved ones waiting to collect me from the gates.  And I know there's no hell waiting to drag me down.  No fire and brimstone and no devil to torture my soul for eternity.  There's nothing.  I knew how this would end.