Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

I do sometimes wonder just who I am to you,
I've been wondering about it for years.
At times, I felt like your greatest treasure,
But then you drive me to despair and tears.
I've never known what was wrong with me
And you never said what I'd done.
I asked you once, a long time ago.
did you resent me? You said yes, then made fun.
I'd never felt my heart break like that before.

It's stayed with me, you see.
I've carried it all this time.
And I begin to wonder why at all
It wasn't me that died.
You thought I never knew about him,
But I've known since my teens.
Was I just his replacement?
A second chance at your dreams?

I've blamed you for so many wrongs in my life,
For all the bad in this dear family.
But then I have to wonder on something.
Haven't you done the same to me?
I wish just once, you could be happy for me,
To accept that I have my own life.
I'm happy, I'm settled, but it's never enough.
I'm not a good enough mother, not a good enough wife.
I was never a good enough daughter either.

Maybe it should have been him that survived
Instead of me that still shames your house.
At least I got one thing right, I have to say.
You have two beautiful grandchildren.
They were the one thing I didn't get wrong.
I just chose the wrong fathers, the times and places
And of course, the wrong religion.

I won't say that I'm sorry. I won't bow down again.
This is my life, my decision, my choice.
I won't crawl back under you apron anymore.
For once, I'm using my voice.